Cravings – Day 6

Well I knew it was too good to be true. When I stopped drinking 5 days ago I was very focused on not drinking and was definitely in the right mindset to stop. However, today I feel my resolve definitely wavering for the first time. We’re going on holiday in less than two months and I caught myself fantasising about having a glass of wine in the sun. I had to remind myself that I don’t drink anymore and there it was, that twist in my stomach, that gut wrenching “what never again” panic.  It doesn’t help that its nearly 5pm, which is around the time I’d normally be opening that daily bottle of wine. I even started entertaining the idea that I could just drink on holiday, then stop again! Seriously! I need to give my self a slap!  Have I forgotten so quickly that for me, once I start drinking I don’ t stop. Have I forgotten the months and months of wanting to stop and the guilt and shame when I couldn’t? Have I forgotten the amount of times I hid what I was drinking from my family and  pretending everything was okay?

Jeeeez, what’s wrong with me! I knew the cravings would come and I know I just need get through it. I realise now how this blog is going to help me. Writing all this down helps me remember and focus on why I’m not drinking anymore. Its my way of venting and coping I think. I won’ t let myself trick myself into drinking again. If nothing else, having my rant on here has totally took my mind off wanting a drink haha, well I’m safe for another day x

Sleepless – Day 5

 I need to talk about my brain not switching off on a night time. All yesterday I felt unfocused and not able to think straight. A few thoughts of alcohol had popped into my head but I think that was more habit than cravings at the moment. However, on a night time, boy does my brain come alive. Not in a stressed out way, like when you’re worried about something but rather just random thoughts popping in and out, constant noise! I’m thinking “why” I’ve always been able to get to sleep no problem. The only reason I can come up with is that its been a very long time since I have had to put my self to sleep. Like a child, I am learning to put myself to sleep on a night time. You see,  it dawned on me that every night for the past god knows how long, 10 years?? I have just slipped into an alcohol induced coma. A bottle and a half of wine, monged infront of the tv, then dragging myself up to bed. Well its easy to fall asleep (or unconscious ) when you’ve had a skin full of wine, isnt it.

Let’s hope this settles down soon. How long can it take to train your brain to shut up and go to sleep? On the plus side, once I do get to sleep, I wake up feeling fab. No fuzzy head or feeling bad about drinking  – got to keep this positive. X