Less Irritated – Day 1772

After offloading in my last post, I do feel better. My irritation with Mr Mac is more about me than him. There are several things going on I think.

He is closest to me therefore gets the brunt of my irritability. I’m not getting out to see family and friends because of Covid. I’m not exercising or getting enough fresh air. We’re renting while Mr Mac renovates our new house. (which makes me feel in limbo). I haven’t been eating enough lately and I’m lonely.

I believe all these things contribute to how I am feeling. Is it possible to feel bored but at the same time have no interest or motivation to do anything?

Writing all this down does give me a starting point to begin sorting it all out. I have been eating more these past few days. I worry about getting into bad habits and putting weight on but I know I am less irritable because I have eaten more meals.

I have contacted a friend and we are meeting up for a walk tomorrow; come rain or shine. I will turn up and it will be good for me.

Even writing here in my blog again helps immensely. It gives me a place to talk openly and relieve some boredom.

I need structure and I don’t like it when things change or feel out of my control. I have to remember to take small steps towards doing things which are good for me. I need to organise my week so I don’t become lethargic.

I don’t want to be that person who will be happy when…. When the kids go back to school or…. When Lockdown restrictions ease or…. When our new house is renovated.

The unease is within me and I need to deal with that so I can be happen now not ‘when’.

I recognise this feeling but I don’t know what to call it. It comes over me in cycles. One minute life is good. I’m busy writing articles for my Website; I am motivated and get joy out of it. Then, several days or even weeks later I cannot get motivated. It becomes such an effort to write. I’m bored, but I have no motivation to write or seek out anything to do.

All the while I feel guilty for not working or doing more. Then, after a few days or weeks it suddenly passes and I’m motivated once more to work and write and laugh again….. until next time.

I cannot find rhyme or reason for feeling like this and I don’t always know how to fix it then it happens.

I have changed jobs twice over the last few years trying to find peace from my anxiety. I now work for myself and Mr Mac at home. This has eliminated all feelings of overwhelm and massively reduced my anxiety which is great but have I gone too far?

Am I now bored and lonely because of it? It doesn’t help that within weeks of starting to work from home we were thrown into lockdown!

I’ve rambled enough. I will make sense of this. I will find the right balance…. eventually….

Mrs Mac.

Super Irritated – Day 1768

Feeling Meh today and have been for the past several weeks. My usual tools of having an early night or going out for a walk just aren’t helping. I think it is because we are in yet another national lockdown and we cannot visit anyone or go anywhere. The kids are at home doing their best with online school work but to be honest they are a nice distraction to the endless boredom.

Mr Mac is spending his time between working from home and trying to get our new house renovated. I spend my time between working from home, organising the house and helping the kids with their school work. It’s just all a bit…meh.

The biggest problem is I am super irritable with Mr Mac. Though I have no idea why. He’s not done anything wrong or different than normal. I’m not irritable with anyone else, just him.

When he talks about the renovation I couldn’t give a monkeys. He’s looking for a ‘well done’ and someone to talk to but it takes a huge effort for me to sound positive for him.

I’m bored of what he wants to watch on telly and I have no interest in a ‘cuddle.’ I really just want to be left alone – all the time.

I huff and roll my eyes at his little habits which usually don’t bother me and some days I just want to crawl out my own skin.

I cannot talk to him about it as everything I’m feeling is so nasty and hurtful and unwarranted. How can I say to someone I love that they are irritating the shit out of me but through no fault of their own?

We all have crap days when our spouse is irritating us but this has gone on ages.

I’m hoping by writing all this down it will make me feel better and at peace. Maybe when Lockdown ends and we can go somewhere or meet up with friends it will get easier.

Mrs Mac

Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash