Good morning, I’m still anxious about going back to work on Monday but I am only letting my brain think about Monday. Not the whole week or the next month. I’m keeping ‘in the moment’ as much as possible because that stops my brain spiralling and catastrophising. It reduces the anxiety and overwhelm I feel.
Before my Day 1, I knew deep down that I should quit drinking alcohol. However, I found it very hard to start. As soon as I thought of quitting, my brain would jump to forever. My brain would spiral out of control. It would tell me that I won’t be able to do it, that I would fail; it would be too hard; that there are too many important things going on right now and what about the wedding next year! The voice in my head would get louder and louder until I wouldn’t even try to quit.
I have a brain that is quite able to cope in the moment but it is sensitive and becomes extremely anxious if left to wonder past that. I learned that by keeping my thoughts in the moment and just dealing with not drinking for one day, one hour or even one minute, it stopped my brain spiralling and getting overwhelmed. This tactic allowed me to build some sober momentum and eventually break free from my drinking.
I need to remember that this strategy of staying in the moment to avoid overwhelm, will work for other difficult times too. I need to focus my thoughts on today, then I will focus on enjoying the weekend and then I will let my brain think about Monday but no further, for now.
No ‘Future Tripping’ for this girl.
P.S. It is Mr Mac’s first Soberanniversary today! Now there is a good thing to focus on.
After my post yesterday I went straight to bed and had a little cry. This morning wasn’t much better. My mood is still a mixture of overwhelm and anxiety without any real reason. Things I can usually cope with seem unbearable at times. Your comments have helped, so thank you. I realise I need to give myself more time to get used to this new job (not something I wanted to hear but i realise it is true) and I need to learn how to talk to someone about how I feel. I’m rubbish at talking about how I really feel, even with Mr Mac. The words “I’m fine” are out my mouth before I have a chance to articulate my real feelings.
I saw my doctor today, I wasn’t planning to say anything about how I was feeling but I broke down in tears the second she politely ask how I was! Mortified, doesn’t cover it. I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. After all was done, we came to the conclusion that I have a pretty good toolbox for coping with things generally but a job change is a big thing and I have to give my self time and I need to talk to someone. She seemed genuinely surprised I didn’t talk to anyone when I feel like this. I explained that I’m the one everyone else goes to to talk lol. You guys are the only people in the world who I talk to.
I’m back to work in 2 weeks when the kids go back to school. I am going to practice talking to Mr Mac or perhaps my sister about how I really feel sometime and try not to be too hard on myself if I cry or sound a pathetic loser. I am also going to blog here more ‘cos I cannot keep this all in my head forever.
Thank you 🙏
Things haven’t felt right for a while…
After my panic attack at my old job, I got brave and made the decision to get a new job. I hadn’t been happy at work for a while so I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I was super proud of myself when I got my new job. I took the whole process slowly, knowing it would be a bit overwhelming. The first few months were definitely tough. I was prepared for that. What I wasn’t prepared for was to still feel overwhelmed and out of sorts 6 months on.
My logical brain says I’ve settled into my new job well; My bosses and colleagues are really happy with my work (They’ve told me); It’s still early days and I’m not expected to know everything but I’ve managed everything so far without a problem and the people I work with are so nice and helpful, who wouldn’t want my job.
However, I feel like I just want to run for the hills. I’m constantly waiting to come across something I don’t know how to do or worse find out I’ve been doing it wrong all along. I get anxious just thinking about going to work. Sometimes it can take my breath away. I panic when I have to go to the staff room at work because I get overwhelmed when it’s busy. Even when people praise me it makes me emotional and I want to cry because I feel like a fraud. It is all extremely draining.
I think it was better to feel crappy in a familiar job than feel just as crappy in this new one.
I thought changing jobs was going to make me feel better. Less anxiety, less panic, less depression. Instead all that has stayed but now I have a new job to contend with. I’m starting to feel like a complete failure. Even writing this makes me want to cry.
How can i have such a disconnect between what my logical brain knows to be true and my feelings?
I know I should talk to someone. However, I find it so difficult. Probably because on the outside I look like I’ve got all my shit together. If they only knew!
At least I’ve told you lot. Well I haven’t yet because I’m finding it hard to press publish! For fucks sake!