I’m whole again – Day 669

Well, my son is back. My anxiety was up and down all week. Not helped by my daughter falling out with one of her school friends part way through the week. However, on Saturday we picked my son up from the airport and I feel whole again.

I think we have all learned something from this experience. My Son has gained more independence and a skiing badge! My Daughter has learned that she does miss her big brother after all (and how to make up, when she falls out with her friends). My husband and I have both learned that for all we missed our son terribly we survived and we can rely on each other for moral support and I learned that I can sit with uncomfortable feelings as long as I remember to use my sober tools.

Drinking over this experience would have been a disaster. My anxiety would have been worse. I would have retreated into myself and would not have sought emotional support from my husband. I would not have been present to help my daughter with her friendship drama and most of all I would not have grown as a person and I’d be less capable of dealing with the situation next time. Not to mention going back to day 1.

I have exercised some serious sober muscle this past week and I’m feeling good.

Dealing with Uncomfortable Feelings – Day 662

My son left on Saturday for one week, in France on a school skiing trip and I’m finding it difficult to say the least. I have sat many times over the weekend with uncomfortable feelings of loss and anxiety. I worry that he is okay and enjoying himself.  In fact I have a massive list of things I’m worried about, are his friends treating him well, does he like the food, is he okay working with Euro’s instead of Pounds, has he lost any ski kit, has he got a blister, is he drying his kit properly and is he warm enough on the mountain or has he fell off the mountain!  I could go on….. I’m not worrying constantly but several times a day it just hits me like a punch in the stomach.

All that been said, I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’m thrilled he has gone and this will be an amazing experience for him and I know he’s more likely having the time of his life.

I don’t like feeling this way though and at 662 days I thought I’d dealt with most situations that id normally drink over. I don’t want a drink nor am I craving a drink but I recognise that I would have definitely drank over all these feelings. I would have ‘coped’ by drowning a bottle or 2 of wine so I didn’t have to worry about my boy. So why no huge cravings? I think it is because I truly believe that it would solve nothing. hallelujah the penny has dropped!  I know I’d feel terrible the next day, my worry and anxiety would be worse so id end up drinking again. My daughter, would have a rubbish time while her brother was away as I wouldn’t be present enough to make this time fun for her. But most importantly I realise that by drinking and not dealing with these feelings now I’d be creating a much bigger problem for the future.

So, my plan is, don’t drink; deal with my uncomfortable feelings now;  grow as a human being and as a mother, so in the future I will have the strength to deal with similar experiences and emotions.

I understand, that this is easier said than done. I have done things to help myself. I have taken some time out to write on my blog which I have neglected over the past months, I have ate a few more ‘treats’ than usual,  I had a nanna nap (afternoon snooze) as I recognised id only feel worse if I got too tired and I’ve talked to my husband, who obviously is feeling the same way because what im feeling is perfectly normal.  I could also add if I needed, going for a long walk, organising an activity or meet up with friends to distract myself, attend an AA meeting, have an early night or go shopping!

These may all sound like little things to do but I have learned that they work for me. I have to be careful not to underestimate the importance of doing these little things because experience has taught me that when life gets busy and I haven’t had time to talk to my husband, take that walk  or have that early night I’m desperate for; things become difficult, really difficult for me.  So, as I sit here with my perfectly normal but uncomfortable feelings, I remind myself that doing the little things help me cope with the bigger things in life.

A belated Happy New Year to you all.