Getting Out Of My Own Head – Day 542 

Today I needed to get out of my own head so I decided to write this at work.  I wasn’t going to publish it but it was how I was feeling at the time. Sometimes I just have dark days and writing helps, so why not publish it. I feel better even if I haven’t figured anything out. 

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Sometimes I do wonder how long I can stare at my monitors at work before someone will notice I am not actually working. There has to be more to my time on earth than this. I seem trapped by my own fear of change. I seek to have a straight forward life but then, when I have it in my grasps, I realise I am bored. How can someone be trapped between trying desperately not to get overwhelmed and wanting more? Is it just me? Has something gone wrong in my brain, did all my years of drinking stop me from evolving and figuring out what I want out of life?

I often wonder what my purpose is. I’m sure lots of people do. I am a mother and wife first (my family are the most important thing to me, period) I’m an employee, a sister, a daughter…. But these are all things that I am to someone else. What am I to me…… talk about co dependant…. I left home to move in with my then boyfriend, now husband. I adopted all his friends and have work at the same job for 20 years now. I have no identity of my own other than being a mother. I sew, but that was born from trying to leave my job not because I am passionate about sewing. I run, but this is mainly because I know exercise and being outdoors is good for my mental health and I can eat cake, but I have no aspirations to run a marathon. I read, this is my way to escape, especially since getting sober – sometimes some stories make me feel lacking in my own life, again this feeling of ‘what is my purpose’, ‘is this it?’ I really should stop reading trashy fantasy novels.

I think people view me as a strong, intelligent, good looking lady. However, my anxiety tells me I am not strong. I don’t think I am that smart, average maybe. The thing is, I’m good at saying or doing the right thing. I can act the part. Its just a front. Good manners and being nicely spoken makes people believe you are smart. I do believe I am good looking with a bit of makeup but that shouldn’t define me. So, what does a smart looking, nicely spoken, good mannered, averagely intelligent, nervous, fearful of change but wanting adventure, woman knocking 40 do?

 I know there is more, I can almost see it, but it seems just out of reach,  but I know it is there. I cannot go crazy and travel the world because of my kids. God if I could take Mr Mac and the kids and travel the world I’d be in heaven. Adventure but no responsibilities, perfect! I don’t want to feel like my life is standing still while the kids grow up but sometimes it feels like that. I want to find my purpose beyond being a mother because my biggest fear is that once they do fly the nest I’ll be more lost than ever. I’ll have no excuses. I’d be totally free to do what I like and absolutely no idea what to do. Will I ever work out what I want to do with my life?

I Need Routine – Day 518

Wow, we are coming to the end of the kids 6 weeks holidays here. It has been great, lots of family time, walking, camping and picnic’s etc… However, as much as I’ve loved our time off,  I have been feeling low recently, ‘can’t be bothered’ lethargic I guess. If i get out for a walk or into the fresh air with the kids I feel better. I couldnt work out why I was feeling like this especially when im on holiday, but then it hit me a few days ago…… I’m bored.

Im bored of looking after the kids, im bored of cleaning and cooking, packing picnics and thinking of days out to keep everyone happy. I feel like im doing everything for everyone else but nothing for me. This feeling reminds me of why I drank. I drank for some excitment in my life, I drank to escape the boring humdrum of raising kids, cooking dinners and generally picking up after everyone. I love my family and kids, I really do and I wouldn’t actually change a thing but sometime I feel like I lose a bit of who I am along the way.

I lost a lot of my own identity when I became a mum, being a mum consumed me, took up all my time and energy and it still does. I am a mum before anything else. My children are my world but sometimes I wonder who I am.. I honestly believe I drank to escape, it was my time out from being a mum. Drinking was my fun time, until it wasn’t fun anymore. So I am now wondering who am I… I feel like I have been on a life time out for the past 10 years. I need to start figuring out what I want to do, not just hang around waiting for what the kids need from me next. The biggest problem I have is that I havent the foggiest what I want.

That said, I know I will feel better when the kids go back to school and I return to work. Work isnt my favourite place. I kind of fell into my job and now I stick at it because it allows me to be part time and have the same holidays as the kids. But I will have more of an identity then, not just being a mum. There will be structure and routine to my day.

I will then count the weeks until we are on holiday again hahaha but somewhere in between I will think of what I want….

Update – I have just read my last post which was at the beginning of the holidays where I talked about the need for routines and some me time 😂😂😂😂 I’ve obviously not followed my own advice. I knew at week 1 I needed to plan some me time to survive these holidays and I did in week 1 – 3 Cinema night, day out with my girlfriends, camping trip.  However, by week 5/6 I have well and truly forgot to follow my own advice!!! 

Xxx