AA or Not – Day 315

I have been going to AA every week for the past 2 months (since 10th December). At the beginning it was twice a week but once I started work last month it had to be once a week. Once i got over my initial nerves I have always enjoyed the meetings. The one I go to is quite small anything from 5 to 10 people go, so it has been easier to get to know people than the larger groups.

I decided to go to AA because I am always curious of what other help is out there and because i was feeling rather lonely at the time and felt I needed some real life people that I could talk to, who got it (like you lot). I have been honest about my drinking, contributing to the meetings and I have been encouraged to read Chapter 5 and the Promises in the meetings too, which i have started to do.

So whats the problem? Well, im not sure, but I dont think it is for me. I have definately enjoyed the experience and I’m very proud that I found the courage to go in the first place. It has definately paved the way for me trying other recovery gps if i wanted to in the future. Plus, I would have always wondered, “what if” otherwise. The people I have met have always been kind and open. I love to hear people share their story and even though their story is different than mine I can always find the similarities. However, the one thing they all have in common is their NEED for AA. They couldn’t be sober without it. Where as I came to AA 8 months sober, kind of looking for friends. I dont feel I want or need a sponsor, I dont want or need to go to more meetings than I do ( I have been encouraged to go to at least 3 a week)  I don’t really want to work the 12 steps, mainly because I don’t believe in a higher power. I believe I got myself sober and I want the credit for that haha.   I do believe I am an alcoholic and there is nothing I can do about that. I have accepted this. I love the concept of ‘one day at a time’ and ‘Dont have the first drink’. There are many many positives to AA and it is literally a life saver for many of its members but I just don’t feel I need, need it. Do you get me?

I’m not saying I’m never going to AA again because I love listening to peoples shares. If im having a triggery day, sharing that here in the blogosphere or in a meeting helps. However, i am stopping the religious weekly meetings, i definately don’t want the pressure of that and that’s what it has started to feel like, pressure. Since going back to work, continuing my exercise, making a conscious effort to see my friends and make time for me and Mr Mac.  I really feel I have a wonderful and fulfilling life. Im continuously learning about myself and how to live my best life. I am grateful for the AA experience. It is one more thing I can use in my sober tool box. It just doesnt have to be the biggest thing in there! Xxx