Doing it Sober is WAY Easier – Day 298

Well I have returned to work. The early morning’s are not as bad as I thought, in fact I’m quite enjoying sneaking out the house before everyone is up. The drive is peaceful and a good time to prepare myself for the day ahead.

Im conscious of staying positive and not letting myself get overwhelmed. I am taking the training and help on offer at work (something I wouldn’t have done in the past because Id tell myself i should be able to handle everything) its all going surprisingly well. I feel calm and proud of myself.

I know I will get bad days but I honestly believe doing this sober is WAY easier than drunk/hungover. I was worried my old anxiety/depression would return but it hasn’t. It just goes to show that my anxiety/depression was all to do with the massive amount I was drinking, not work.

I also worried work might be a trigger. Returning to that old routine which i used to drink in. That “ahhhh” moment at the end of work, driving home thinking of a bottle of wine or 2 in the fridge. Just waiting to ‘check out’. Well it hasn’t happend yet, so I dont think it will. I dont think about drink anymore at the end of the day. That awful cocktail hour that lasted from 3pm to 8pm haha where I had to drink, couldnt stop thinking about a drink, has gone. It’s been gone for a while now but I couldn’t say when it left me.

I want to keep my calm feeling; I want to enjoy the challenges work presents; I want to continue to be compassionate and thoughtful.  I want to live my life properly and I can only do that sober.

x

Back to Work – Day 288

Everything is going well. I’m happy and enjoying my sober life. I havent had any cravings and I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. However, I know this can change so will never get complacent but I’m enjoying this happy, calm feeling.

Last January when I was still  drinking, I took a year’s career break from my job. I wasn’t coping very well at work, i was stressed and anxious all the time. I thought that if I could only just leave work then my life (and my drinking) would be better. Work knew nothing of my drink problem or any problem for that matter and they agreed to keep my job open until i returned. I thought this was the answer to all my problems. Boy was I wrong. My drinking escelated! I was drinking more and more wine and vodka, starting earlier and earlier. I was more sneaky and hid my drinks and the empties. I was depressed, just as anxious, i felt guilty all the time and was truly ashamed of my behaviour.

It took until April before i finally managed to stop. I honestly think I scared myself into stopping. I remember crying in the bathroom asking myself, who drinks like this everyday? Even when they don’t want too? Who hides their empties, sneaks drinks, keeps a vodka bottle in the boot of their car so she can sneakily top up the bottle in the house? Then it hit me. An Alcoholic does that! I realised then that all my previous attempts at stopping in the past only led me to drink more. Eventhough I didn’t want to, I realised the only thing I could do was to stop drinking permanantly or eventually i’d lose everything, my job, my husband, my children, my own life.

Anyhoo, through blogging, reading/commenting on other peoples blogs, reading books, listening to podcasts, eating way too much chocolate and more recently going to AA meetings, I have maintained my sobriety thus far. My life is 110%  better now.

And now it is time to go back to work. My year is up next week. I wasn’t sure i would ever go back, there were times earlier in my sobriety I couldn’t even consider it an option. However, i feel stronger now. It just shows that we should never force our journey and things will happen naturally. I have reduced my hours at work to hopefully find a better balance. And im looking forward to socialising with colleagues  (not for drinks lol) I know I will find work challenging at times and it may even be triggery. I’m viewing it like one of my final ‘sober firsts’. It my be hard at first but I know myself better now, i have tools to help me cope. I have my family and you guys and AA.  I have many  different ways to handle stuff life throws at me and drinking is definately NOT one of them.

So wish me luck for next week as I return to work with nervous anticipation. X