The Lull – Day 273

There is always this lull between Christmas and New Year that I have never enjoyed. Where the excitment of Christmas has passed but the preperations for New Years Eve are yet to begin.

Christmas day was great. Everyone came to mine and I cooked for 12 of us. It made being sober actually easier than expected because I was so busy. I was very conscious of my sobriety because it was on Christmas Day night last year where I broke 6 weeks of sobriety with a bottle of red wine. I thought after 6 weeks I was okay to have a drink. I deserved it, id done the whole of christmas day sober and a few glasses wouldn’t hurt. Well that started a 4 month relapes of drinking every day, earlier and earlier. Hiding more and more bottles from my husband, drinking vodka over wine. The speed at which my drinking escalated was scary and i thought id be okay to drink pah!

Well this year Chritmas was spent sober. It didnt bother me and it was lovely to have all my family around me. However, boxing day was another matter. Someone kindly (or not) left nearly a full bottle of wine in my fridge! I just kept staring at it. I started having thoughts again of, I’m not that bad. One drink won’t hurt! I tell you it was horrible, and the pull to have a drink was so strong. I felt stuck. On one hand I wanted to drink but on the other hand I couldn’t face going back to day one. For 2 days this kept up. In the end my wonderful husband asked if he could pour it down the sink and instantly all the feelings went away. Why didnt i just throw it away, why didnt I blog about it or ring someone from my AA meetings (Which are going okay so far) I think I am not in charge of the alcoholic side of my brain at all.  Im grateful I didnt drink and grateful for my husband getting rid of it.  I have had a very big wake up call of just how easy we can fall back into the trap.





My First Meeting – Day 253

Oh my God, i did it. I actually  went to my first AA meeting yesterday. It was the same one I tried to go to last Friday but bailed. I was really nervous, but got there early and popped my head in and said “is there a meeting here at 12.30?”. It turns out it used to be a womans only meeting but their numbers were low so they opened it up to everyone. Explains why 2 men were there. There were only 7 of us in total which i personally thought was good. They asked if it was my first meeting there and I explained it was my first meeting ever. They were lovely. Everyone had something different to say but there was always something I could identify with. A few people cried, I couldn’t speak as I barely felt like I was keeping it together, everytime someone asked my name I could feel myself welling up. They asked at the end how I felt and I just couldn’t stop crying. They had lots of advice about different meetings and that it was okay to just come and listen. All their kindness and understanding made me cry more. Eventhough, i didn’t speak and I cried ALOT, it felt good going. They were just normal people the same as me who happened to have the same problem as me, ALCOHOL.

I have another meeting lined up on Monday. It’s a woman’s only meeting and apparently it’s quite big. I’m meeting a lady there 15mins before to grab a cuppa before it starts. I’m looking forward to it, a little nervous still but definately feel more confident. It will be interesting to compare the two meetings.

I told Mr Mac last night that I went to the meeting. He was really supportive. I thought he would think it was over the top, or just a fad. Something that other people needed but not me. He said he was very proud of me. He told me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed and that he thinks it is awesome that I went and that it must have took guts to go. Several times throughout the evening he told me how proud he was. I was genuinely amazed. I knew he would be kind but I wasn’t expecting such praise and support. Im always so grateful of Mr Macs support and i worry that it is hard for him sometimes. He’s lost his drinking buddy. He never signed up for having a wife with a drink problem. However, I was thrilled with his reaction to AA.  Amazing  xxx

Thank You Bloggersphere – Day 249

This Bloggersphere is amazing. On Friday, I felt very emotional and low. I had no one to talk to, so i wrote my post hoping that writing about my day would help me feel better. What I was not expecting was all your comments of kindness and support. Sharing your own experiences with me, made me feel less alone and much stronger. Even though we all come from different parts of the world I feel like I can truly relate to each one of you and I want to say a big Thank You –  You all need to come live in England (UK). 😊

As I said, your kindness and support made me feel stronger and I did get back in touch with AA. A lovely lady who is 19 years sober, 19!!! rang me yesterday to talk about the meetings in my area. She is going to check the meeting I attempted on Friday to make sure it is still on and she invited me to go to a meeting with her next Monday. Even though, I cannot regularly go to meetings on a Monday, I agreed as I think it would be a good idea to try my first meeting with support. I can then find a meeting on the right day that works for me later. She said that we are lucky because there are loads of meetings in our area so people go to lots of different ones. Talking to her was easy, she was so honest and matter of fact. I did not feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk about myself. It was such a relief!

I think it has been my feelings of embarrassment and shame which has stopped me from going to a meeting. (I am not very good at asking for help)  However, I think the meetings are the one thing that will help with this.



Emotional – Day 245

I tried to go to my first AA meeting today. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage for 8 months now. I found a meeting near me which was a woman’s meeting. The hard part was telling my husband. I felt I couldn’t go without telling him first, as it would feel dishonest (something I would have done in the past)  He was great. He did ask if I thought I needed it (I still don’t think he truly grasps how bad I was) I said I wasn’t sure but it was something i’ve been wanting to try for a little while.

Well I was a bundle of nerves driving there. I could feel myself getting emotional just thinking about it. When I arrived,  I just stood outside the door, looking for a sign that this was where I needed to be. I waited. There were 3 people in this room but one was a man, so I thought this cannot be the right place as it was a women’s meeting. Another woman walked passed me straight into the room without a glance, so I went back to my car. I felt really annoyed and  emotional, literally holding back the tears.

When I got back to my car, i decided I could do this. I’ll just ask! So I walked all the way back in again. I got to the door again and bolted again….. Feeling really shit i decided to go to Starbucks next door and I sat quietly for half an hour feeling very teary and sorry for myself. I am home now and still welling up thinking about it. I’m not good with new situations and I have massive fear of the unknown. When I was drinking I hid all this behind bravado and wine. Now I am left as an emotional wreck, crying into my cappuccino.

I have just double checked with AA online to see if the meeting is still current. A lady e-mailed me and explained it was but no meeting is restrictive so men could well be there. It doesn’t bother me that much that men are there but I certainly wasn’t expecting it and it was enough to confuse me and make me run!

Well I don’t know if I will try again. I’m sure you will all tell me to do so. I’m embarrassed because I know I will not be able to go without crying. I’d be more comfortable if it was woman only. Men just make me more self conscious (for reasons unknown to me).

Hubby knows I didn’t make it and he was kind. I didn’t show how upset I was. I hate feeling weak in front of him.. he knows I was disappointed but I kept the tears in check.

I hate that this makes me cry. I don’t even want to cry about it!  I feel like I cannot cope when I feel like this. I feel like i should be able to keep my emotions more in check. It also makes me feel very lonely.