Eating – Day 235

Can you EAT alcoholically? The reason im asking is because I’m wondering if I could be at risk of doing so or maybe already am. Over the past few months I have been exercising more and really enjoying it. However, l was disappointed that I hadn’t lost any weight. So what have I done to help shift the pounds? Eat like a crazy lady, that’s what. Some days I feel motivated and neigh on starve myself. Other days, I substitute my dinner, so I can gorge on cheesecake and then hide the evidence. Then, like yesterday I feel so crappy I eat for England and then have a take-away on top. (Which not surprisingly makes me feel more crappy!). What the neck has happened?

Does it sound familiar? I deserve the wine/food because ive been good, had a bad day, etc etc. I may as well finish the bottle/cheesecake, since ive started. Lets hide the empties/wrappers so it doesn’t look so bad…..

I’m properly telling on myself here because I cannot keep eating like this. I’m getting myself into a cycle of starving myself than binge eating. I didn’t even realise I was doing it at first. It’s only been 2 months but I know it’s not healthy, just like my drinking wasnt healthy. I need to cut it out, eat sensibly, have a sweet treat if I want but not binge on it.

I wrote a post back on day 140 about my sweet tooth and how I wanted to rein it in a bit. Well, here on day 235, three months later, I’ve got worse not better. I don’t feel like I need the sweet treats or take-aways to help my cravings anymore, I think I have just developed a REALLY bad habit which needs some attention. I hope that by telling  on myself here, putting it all in writing and being more mindful, i will be able to take back control.

What a crazy journey sobriety is…..




Things That Help Me Feel Better – Day 224

I’m feeling pretty good at the moment. My week or so of fantisising about drinking has left me. I’m not sure why they’ve gone but im going to write down some thoughts.

Firstly, I blogged. This always helps and I should make a sustained effort to do it quicker when I’m feeling down and I read another sobriety type book.

Secondly, I made plans to meet up with friends. Normally when I think about drinking I really think I’m chasing some sort of excitement. Making plans and meeting up with friends felt good. We didn’t go crazy. We met up early evening for food and a chat. We normally meet straight from work so they usually have their cars and don’t drink either (they know i dont drink). I love these sort of nights. I can get dressed up, enjoy great company and drive myself home by 10pm!! I always feel amazing after night’s like this as I truly feel like I rock my sobriety.

Thirdly, I focussed more on my exercise. I know alot of people turn to exercise when they are newly sober as a helpful distraction. Well, I turned to cheesecake, chocolate, biscuits…anything that would get me through wine o’clock. Exercise was very low down in my priorities. I think it would have totally stressed me out and I wouldn’t have sustained it in the early days. However, about a month ago I started exercising, just a couple of classes in my local area. It felt the right time. I was looking for something more. I wanted to meet new people, do something non alcohol related.  I have more time now, I dont have to worry about it encroaching into my wine time and I dont need to worry about being hungover. I still feel like I want more sometimes, whatever more is but I’m definitely moving in the right direction.

I dont know if any or all of these things helped me. All I know is that I feel better and stronger knowing these feelings of drinking do pass. I know deep down I would never have actually drank. I was just gettting upset that thoughts of drinking were randomly popping in to my head. Well, if it happends again, I’ll feel prepared. I’ll use what’s in my sober tool box as I believe it works.

Attack of PAWS? – Day 214

Well I’m rubbish at posting at the moment. I don’t know why, if anything I should have posted sooner as I’ve been having some cravings lately. It’s just been fleeting thoughts of “wouldn’t a glass of wine be nice” but its really thrown me because I don’t want to have any wine. However, it still makes me question my sobriety and ‘forever‘.  I haven’t had thoughts like this for ages, so why now? and why so frequently?

I’ve let the fantasy of drinkng wine linger, trying to work out what it is I really want or why I’m having these thoughts. I dont know if that’s such a good idea. Maybe I should just dismiss the thoughts as fast as they come?? What I do know for certain is that when I think of wine I still want to down the bottle, check out so to speak. I’m not kidding myself into thinking I can moderate here, that will never happen. I play the tape forward and always come to the conclusion it would be a very bad idea to have even just a  sniff of it.

Maybe I’m just having an attack of PAWS. I shouldn’t have waited so long to write about how I’m feeling, I think that’s dangerous. I never want to get complacent. I honestly don’t want to drink and don’t believe I will. However, it does put me on edge when I feel like this. It makes me worry that somehow drinking will sneak up on me and before I’ve fully thought it through, i’ll end up with a glass of wine in my hand. Does that make sense? I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well at all lol.

Anyway, regardless, writing about it here helps, it gets it out of my head and that somehow gives the Wine Witch less power over me. I need to be honest and keep things real.

I’m happy. Being sober makes me happy. Simple. xxx