I cannot quite believe I have made it to 180 days. On Saturday I will have reached the 6 month marker. When I first began my journey I couldn’t even think about the next hour, nevermind 6 months. It just shows that taking it one day at a time really does work.
I am well past the intense cravings stage and I have more or less made peace with the fact I cannot/will not drink alcohol again. Forever, doesn’t seem such a scary prospect as it once did. I have caught myself staring at people drinking at resturants or on TV and I have had the odd fleeting thought of drinking. But that’s all it is, a thought, a fantasy. I laugh at myself when it happens as I don’t want to drink. I think it is just my brain having trouble forgetting old behaviours.
Lately, I have felt like I am present and living my life. Not just being sober. (if that makes sense) I have started taking an exercise class twice a week. One class I do with the kids after school to get them involved the other I do when they are at school to have some ‘me’ time. I have invited school friends round for dinner which the kids love and I have made more of an effort lately to meet up with my friends. More date nights with Hubby is on the ‘to do’ list aswell.
You may not think this is much but it is just some of the things I never did while I was drinking. It would have been too much effort or interfered with my nightly drinking. A lot of people, when they first give up the booze, fill their time with exercise and activities but I found it easier to keep life as simple as I could (and I still do). I didn’t want to rush into anything or jeopardise my sobriety by stressing myself out. I always hoped that as I grew in my sobriety and gained strength all these things would come naturally. And do you know what? They are. I’ve hardly got the busiest of schedules but I am happy and stress free and my hope is that I will continue to add things gradually to my life to fill that hole alcohol left behind. This journey just takes time.
All is well here. No cravings or desire to drink.
Back in January I made the desicion to take a year off work. I am very fortunte that work agreed to keep my job open for me to return to in January 2017. (They know nothing of my problem with alcohol) I made this decision largely because I was so unhappy at work. Corporate BS playing a large part but also my inability to cope any longer. Remember, that I was still heavily drinking back then. I think my Career Break was me just running away from everything.
When I stopped working, my drinking escalated . Eventhough I didn’t have the stress of work anymore, I also didn’t have the responisbility. It scared me how much alcohol I was actually consuming. I thought my job contributed to my drinking but it wasn’t the case. I was just addicted. Not having the constrants of work just allowed me to drink more. I think I scared myself into actually stopping. I was losing control and I just knew I couldn’t let it carry on. It was make or break time.
Since April 1st 2016, I have quit my secret drinking and have been on my secret sober journey. For nearly 6 months now I have kept things simple, making sobriety my top priority. I have kept busy but without stressing myself out. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. However, I do feel as if im ready for more (a little bit anyway) The question is….Do I go back to work in January?????
- More money. it would make us finacially more stable
- Not giving up on a 20 year career. (due to alcohol)
- I should be able to cope better since im not drinking ( yet to be tested)
- Socialising (stay at home mum can be rather lonely)
- Even after all this time off I may still not like my job.
- Corporate working may be a trigger for me.
- I may not be able to cope still, even though im sober
I realise from writing the lists above that I have more reasons ‘for’ than ‘against’ which is interesting but the worries I have are big ones for me. Part of me feels like I left the old (drunk) me behind when I left work. Going back to work feels a bit like going back in time. I should be looking forward. However, another part of me feels like I have come such a long way and im not that stressy, hungover/drunk person anymore and shouldn’t throw away a good career. Am I strong enough to give it another go?
Good job I have 3 more months to think about it! Thanks for listening to my ramblings xx
I have been meaning to post something for the past two weeks. I vowed I’d get back into blogging once the kids went back to school and normality resumed. However, every time I get the chance to write something, i start to over think it. I ask myself, Is it such a big deal? Am I that bothered anymore? Every time I go to write and get something off my chest, the thing I was going to write about just doesn’t seem important anymore. Well it’s just dawned on me that this is probably a good thing. It shows that I must be dealing with stuff and coping without the need to blog about it every two minutes, right? Well that’s the spin I’m going to put on it.
Well, cravings have been minimal to practically non existence. I still make sure I have plenty of rest. I make sure I don’t get too over tired or hungry as I know these are triggers for me. I always have my emergency chocolate in (just in case) though I have found some frozen Greek style chocolate yogurt which tastes just like chocolate icecream for less than half the calories. I also have my AF beers in, though I don’t seem to drink it as much as I used to.
I much prefer using all my sobriety tools to prevent a craving rather than dealing with a craving. I don’t even know if I need to keep using all my tools but I’m happy, so im going to keep doing what I’m doing.
I’m actually just back from having a great meal out with friends. It was in a pub but that didn’t bother me as my two friends know I don’t drink and the pub does really good grub. We arranged to meet straight from work so we all had our cars anyway, so alcohol was not even on the menu for my friends. Back in the day I would still have crammed in 2 large glasses of wine, even though I would have been over the limit and then polished off a bottle when I got home. <sigh> what a sorry state i used to be in.
Tonight though, I had a fab time, eating and catching up. I even drove home via the shop’s and bought a coffee and slice of cake to take home, ‘cos I could! Night’s like tonight remind me that being sober rules. You just have to organise a night that works for you.
Good night to you all (11.30pm UK time)