Losing Count – Day 110 or 111

Life after 100 days is pretty good. There have been no fireworks or ‘Aha’ moments, just more relaxed. Getting ready to write today I realised I didn’t know what day I was on. That was a first for me as I ALWAYS know what day I am on! I have obsessively aimed towards all my milestones. 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 60 days, 90 days eventually to 100 days!  The main difference I feel now after achieving my 100 days, is that my obsessive thinking about not drinking and counting days has significantly diminished. Probably because ive reached my initial goal. I feel like I am living in the moment and just getting on with life in general more now.

I know some people go back to drinking after 100 days. They have achieved their goal and quite rightly feel very proud of themselves. Some people also believe they must be ‘cured’ or can attempt moderation after such a length of abstinence. Not me, 100 days was my temporary goal as I could not think of ‘forever’ when I started out. However, the further away I get from my drinking days the easier it is to consider ‘forever’.  The cravings are better and I feel so much more equipped to deal with them when they do pop up. Each sober first is hard, really hard sometimes but again, once I’ve got through it, the next time is so much easier. I know in my heart that moderation does not work for me. (I have tried many many times) Even now when I have a craving, I know I don’t just want a glass of wine, I want a bottle or more.

It’s good that things have calmed down. I don’t want to lose focus of my sobriety but I feel more at peace with it. My next goal will be my soberversary. 1 April 2017. I want to experience all my sober firsts. Coming up next will be….. the kids 6 weeks holidays, new school year, birthdays, Halloween, Christmas, New year and everything else in between………

The Little Things – Day- 103

Just a quick post to say, I had a fantastic weekend away with the family. Camping is hard work, how did I ever do it while drinking? I have never been so grateful for being sober as I was this past weekend.

Camping equals, late night’s, sleeping on the floor, being woken at 4am by my daughter who assumed it was morning, as the sun was up, not to mention all the equipment you bring and setting up of the tent etc. Phew. I tell you something though, it was the easiest camping I have done in years due to being sober. I slept better (what little sleep I had lol) I had no pounding head in the morning, no middle of the night wee trips, no tripping over guide ropes drunk!

I  also celebrated my 100 days on Saturday. To be honest I’d forgotten for most of the day as I was distracted with the Air Show we were attending. On the evening though we were all sitting around our tents, me happily drinking my AF beer when hubby leaned over and said ” hey, today is your 100 days, I’m so proud of you”

I love that man.

 

At Peace – Day 98

I’m feeling better since my last post. I am definitly bracing the future and not dwelling on the past. I have things good and if a memory from my past pops up to haunt me well, I’ll embrace it and remind myself of who I am now. Without all my alcohol related incidents,  decisions, memories would I be the person I am now? Would I be able to marvel at how amazing being sober is? I doubt Normie’s even think about how amazing it is.

Anyway I am nearing my 100 days, this Saturday to be precise. I will be camping in a field with my family and my sister’s family, watching F22’s, Red Arrows, Typhoons and Chinook etc… fly for the International Air Show. Something my hubby and son are really into and I think is pretty cool too. Let’s hope my daughter can handle the noise, ear defenders at the ready.

I doubt I will have any sort of internet so I am just going to enjoy my weekend away and report back next week. I’m not worried about going away and not drinking. Surviving my first sober holiday in May has made going away much easier now.

I think it will be pretty cool to hit 100 days but I don’t see it as a reason to think, “I’ve done it, now I can have a drink!” ( which is what can happen to some) I feel secure that, although this is hard some days, i have made the right decision in becoming and staying sober.

So here is to the next 100 days and the 100 after that!

Xxx

 

Miserable Night Last Night – Day 92

Could I heck get to sleep last night. All night I kept having memory flashes from my awkward teenage years. I grew up in a happy, middle class family. I did well at school and college. I got a part time job when I was 16. Basically I did all the things you should do during that time BUT I also discovered alcohol.

I was 14 when I had my first alcoholic drink and i loved it. It felt daring and exciting. I felt grown up but above all I loved that buzz you got from it. It occurred to me last night in a thunder bolt of understanding and misery that all the decisions I made during my teenage years were influenced by alcohol. I’ll not go into details but there was some questionable behaviour, dubious relationships and regrettably, many friendships were lost. I know most people have a hard time growing up and I’m not suggesting I had it any worse but what I realised last night is that my poor developing mind didn’t stand a chance with the weekly intake of alcohol I was consuming back then.

At that crucial moment in life when I should have been discovering the world; understanding all the complex emotions I was feeling and learning how to behave as a young adult, I was drinking instead. As each memory came, I felt more sorry for my younger self and so sad. I was also very angry as I started to realise (for the first time) the part alcohol played in every bad decision I made. I worried for my children and swore I’d not let them have the same experience I had. I quietly cried and thought gosh, is this what its like to feel your emotions! It sucks! I lay for ages with a thumping head, feeling miserable……

This morning, I feel lighter. I acknowledge that my teenage years were crap and alcohol played a big part in that. What I failed to appriciate last night was how amazing my life has been since entering my 20’s. I finally grew up. I have been extremely lucky and I have an amazing life. I know I fucked things up when I was a teenager and I guess I fucked things up these past 5 years also, slowly getting addicted to alcohol BUT I am still sooooooo lucky (again) because I found sobriety! I’ve managed to quit before it had too much of a negative impact on others. Im pleased that it was just myself i hurt and not my loved ones. I cannot dewl on the ‘has been’s’ and ‘could have been’s’.  I’ve miraculously got a good life and Ive got so much more living to do now and if that means facing my emotions, having a cry and getting over them, so be it. I obviously never did it when I was younger, so I will embrace it now and start living my life for real.