Last night I had a dream that I had been out with friends and was drinking red wine, it got to the end of the night when I suddenly realised that I shouldn’t be drinking because I’ve stopped drinking. I was so disappointed with myself. Later the dream changed and I was trying to find somewhere to smoke a cigarette! (I gave up 14 years ago). I was so pleased to wake up and realise it was all a dream, phew!
Having this dream has really made me think about how strong a hold alcohol has on me. I’m taking one day at a time and some days are better than others but I’m sticking at it and I think im doing okay. Then BAM! it starts creeping in under my radar, in my dreams, where I have no control. See how nice this is, how good it tastes, look what fun you’re having. It says. – I must get a name for this ’it’. I’ve heard other people call it the Thirsty Wolf or Wolfie. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll call it Boozy Bitch, The Drink Demon. That fits my mood at the moment better.
I remember when I gave up smoking years ago, in the beginning I would have the odd dream that I had started smoking again. The relief on waking up when I realised it was just a dream was amazing and really reinforced the fact that I didn’t want to start smoking again. Having this dream about drinking last night didn’t exactly have the same effect. Yes, I was relieved that it was just a dream. But more because I didn’t want to have to start from Day One again and the embarrassment of people finding out I didn’t get past 14 days. I’m ashamed to say that drinking wine in my dream still felt quite appealing. I woke up feeling a bit down that I couldn’t have a drink. Don’t worry I’m not going to drink today. I was hoping for a better reaction from myself when I woke up. The small amount of relief i felt when i woke up and realised it was all a dream was good. However, i would have rather had full on panic on awakening, then awash with relief and then feeling ecstatic that it was all a dream.
I don’t want to drink again. I don’t want to go back to being that person who is completely ruled by alcohol. Whose only waking thought is booze. Is it wine o’clock yet? How many sneaky glasses can i get in without anyone noticing. Do I need to buy more bottles? Do I need to hide any bottles? I don’t want to be that person. I just wish someone will tell my other boozy self. The other half of me who still fantisises about drinking, romanticises about it even. The other half of me who thinks she can be a social drinker. That Boozy Bitch inside me needs to go do one.