Today I needed to get out of my own head so I decided to write this at work. I wasn’t going to publish it but it was how I was feeling at the time. Sometimes I just have dark days and writing helps, so why not publish it. I feel better even if I haven’t figured anything out.
Sometimes I do wonder how long I can stare at my monitors at work before someone will notice I am not actually working. There has to be more to my time on earth than this. I seem trapped by my own fear of change. I seek to have a straight forward life but then, when I have it in my grasps, I realise I am bored. How can someone be trapped between trying desperately not to get overwhelmed and wanting more? Is it just me? Has something gone wrong in my brain, did all my years of drinking stop me from evolving and figuring out what I want out of life?
I often wonder what my purpose is. I’m sure lots of people do. I am a mother and wife first (my family are the most important thing to me, period) I’m an employee, a sister, a daughter…. But these are all things that I am to someone else. What am I to me…… talk about co dependant…. I left home to move in with my then boyfriend, now husband. I adopted all his friends and have work at the same job for 20 years now. I have no identity of my own other than being a mother. I sew, but that was born from trying to leave my job not because I am passionate about sewing. I run, but this is mainly because I know exercise and being outdoors is good for my mental health and I can eat cake, but I have no aspirations to run a marathon. I read, this is my way to escape, especially since getting sober – sometimes some stories make me feel lacking in my own life, again this feeling of ‘what is my purpose’, ‘is this it?’ I really should stop reading trashy fantasy novels.
I think people view me as a strong, intelligent, good looking lady. However, my anxiety tells me I am not strong. I don’t think I am that smart, average maybe. The thing is, I’m good at saying or doing the right thing. I can act the part. Its just a front. Good manners and being nicely spoken makes people believe you are smart. I do believe I am good looking with a bit of makeup but that shouldn’t define me. So, what does a smart looking, nicely spoken, good mannered, averagely intelligent, nervous, fearful of change but wanting adventure, woman knocking 40 do?
I know there is more, I can almost see it, but it seems just out of reach, but I know it is there. I cannot go crazy and travel the world because of my kids. God if I could take Mr Mac and the kids and travel the world I’d be in heaven. Adventure but no responsibilities, perfect! I don’t want to feel like my life is standing still while the kids grow up but sometimes it feels like that. I want to find my purpose beyond being a mother because my biggest fear is that once they do fly the nest I’ll be more lost than ever. I’ll have no excuses. I’d be totally free to do what I like and absolutely no idea what to do. Will I ever work out what I want to do with my life?