After offloading in my last post, I do feel better. My irritation with Mr Mac is more about me than him. There are several things going on I think.
He is closest to me therefore gets the brunt of my irritability. I’m not getting out to see family and friends because of Covid. I’m not exercising or getting enough fresh air. We’re renting while Mr Mac renovates our new house. (which makes me feel in limbo). I haven’t been eating enough lately and I’m lonely.
I believe all these things contribute to how I am feeling. Is it possible to feel bored but at the same time have no interest or motivation to do anything?
Writing all this down does give me a starting point to begin sorting it all out. I have been eating more these past few days. I worry about getting into bad habits and putting weight on but I know I am less irritable because I have eaten more meals.
I have contacted a friend and we are meeting up for a walk tomorrow; come rain or shine. I will turn up and it will be good for me.
Even writing here in my blog again helps immensely. It gives me a place to talk openly and relieve some boredom.
I need structure and I don’t like it when things change or feel out of my control. I have to remember to take small steps towards doing things which are good for me. I need to organise my week so I don’t become lethargic.
I don’t want to be that person who will be happy when…. When the kids go back to school or…. When Lockdown restrictions ease or…. When our new house is renovated.
The unease is within me and I need to deal with that so I can be happen now not ‘when’.
I recognise this feeling but I don’t know what to call it. It comes over me in cycles. One minute life is good. I’m busy writing articles for my Website; I am motivated and get joy out of it. Then, several days or even weeks later I cannot get motivated. It becomes such an effort to write. I’m bored, but I have no motivation to write or seek out anything to do.
All the while I feel guilty for not working or doing more. Then, after a few days or weeks it suddenly passes and I’m motivated once more to work and write and laugh again….. until next time.
I cannot find rhyme or reason for feeling like this and I don’t always know how to fix it then it happens.
I have changed jobs twice over the last few years trying to find peace from my anxiety. I now work for myself and Mr Mac at home. This has eliminated all feelings of overwhelm and massively reduced my anxiety which is great but have I gone too far?
Am I now bored and lonely because of it? It doesn’t help that within weeks of starting to work from home we were thrown into lockdown!
I’ve rambled enough. I will make sense of this. I will find the right balance…. eventually….